Standing your ground in an argument: Is it worth it?

 

Fighting-CoupleDo you know that frustrated feeling you get in an argument when you just know that you’re right but you are not being heard by your partner? Well, you’re not alone. As a systemic therapist, I see couple after couple with this exact complaint. “If he/she would just change this (insert concern here), we would be fine.”  Like a debate team, partners become skilled at going head to head, point for point in defense of their argument.  And, on a debate team, that’s a useful technique. But in an intimate partner debate that can end in only one result: loss, because after all, there is only one team here.

Digging our feet in the sand: Picking our roles

In couples, hurts can build up and each new slight can affect us deeply.  For example, “It might be nice if you would ask me about my day instead of sulking through the door ignoring me,” meets with “Well I had a long day, too.  I’m exhausted and it might be nice if you could give me some space when I get home.” But of course this is not just about the greetings this couple gives one another. It’s deeper. Neither partner is feeling heard and odds are that some accumulated pain is coloring these responses. While the dialogue here may differ, the debate has been set and inevitably, the debaters will take their stances. The most common roles? The Pursuer v. The Distancer.  In these two positions, the pursuer tends to feel invisible, that no matter how much they push, they’re not being heard.  While the withdrawer often retreats further and further into themselves, often feeling that no matter how they respond, it’s never enough anyway.

So, what can we do differently?

As any good debater will tell you, it feels great to finally beat our opponent.  In intimate relationships, we can forget that this is not our opponent, this is our teammate.  Once partners settle into the roles of pursuer or distancer, it can be difficult to break the cycle; difficult, but not impossible. This is especially true  with two willing partners.  Once couples decide that winning the battle is less important than protecting the relationship, there are a few simple communication techniques that can help partners to lay down their swords.

Setting a time and place:

Decide on a neutral place and time to discuss important topics.  I’ve worked with a couple in the past that saved heated arguments for restaurants so that it would force them to speak respectfully to one another. If out-of-the-house discussions are not possible, just be sure to set aside a time to speak and stick to it. Treat it as importantly as you would a significant business meeting.

How to be heard:

“I Statements” – We are heard much more clearly in an argument when we can label our feelings.  “I felt really hurt when you didn’t call” is a lot more effective than “You’re so unreliable I knew you would forget to call me.” It’s hard to argue when someone tells you how they feel.  We don’t necessarily have to agree with our partner’s feelings, but we can’t dispute that they have them and can hopefully find ways to validate them.

Validating does not meaning having to agree – This is a good skill to practice.  We may not always agree with our partner during arguments, but we can absolutely find ways of making sure our partner feels heard. For example, with the above scenario, “I felt really hurt when you didn’t call,” already puts our partner into a less defensive place.  It leaves us more open to the ability to validate our partner.  We have more room to respond with, “I can understand how my not calling today left you feeling hurt. That was not my intention.” It’s important to end the sentence there and avoid the ever-tempting “…but” at the end. The goal here is connection and empathy, not winning.

Knowing when our Repair Attempts are not working:

Sometimes, despite our best attempts at breaking our negative cycles and changing our communication patterns, we need a little extra help to make lasting changes.  At North Brooklyn Marriage and Family Therapy we have couples therapists that accept a range of different fees in order to best meet your financial needs.  Call 718-785-9718 to learn more.

Photo Credit: http://www.steamenginefinancialcoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Fighting-Couple.jpg

Bringing Home Baby Workshop for Expecting Parents

Bringing Home Baby: Workshop for Expecting Parents

Amazing workshop to help your relationship

The childbirth Ed class for your relationship, the Bringing Baby Home workshop focuses on how to emotionally prepare the couple for baby’s
arrival. Sometimes we’re so busy thinking about how to ready our bodies and our homes for a baby that we forget about preparing our relationship.

In the workshop expecting couples and new parents will gain a sense of empowerment by learning skills to:
Prepare for the transition to parenthood
Maintain relationship satisfaction after having a baby
Promote positive parent-baby interactions
Promote quality involvement for both parents
Reduce the incidence or severity of postpartum mood disorders

The workshop is on Sunday, April 24th and Sunday, May 1st from 9am-4pm with breaks.

Fee is $295 per couple. Materials included.

About the instructor:

Kristen Mosier is a certified Bringing Baby Home educator; she holds a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, has training in childbirth education and has authored multiple articles on pregnancy and parenting. A Brooklyn mom herself, she can relate to the joys and challenges of raising a little one in New York City.

 

To register please call 718-785-9718 or email info@northbrooklynmft.com.

Prepare Premarital Workshop

Premarital Couples Workshop

Falling in love is the easy part; now it’s time to prepare for marriage with the help of an effective, specialized program tailored to your specific relationship needs. First you take a test that analyzes your specific strengths and growth areas as a couple, and then we follow up with a group workshop that supports and fosters a community environment. Using the results of your test, combined with the helpful feedback of a PREPARE/ENRICH professional and your community of fellow couples, you will emerge with new insight and skills to navigate the road ahead as a more united partnership!

With us, you can expect to

Strengthen communication skills
Identify and manage major stressors
Resolve conflict using the Ten Step Model
Develop a more balanced relationship
Explore family of origin issues
Discuss financial planning and budgeting

Establish personal, couple and family goals

Understand and appreciate personality differences

If you and your partner are looking forward to a life together and would like to develop and reinforce the tools you will need to keep that unity strong—please join us this March for our PREPARE/ENRICH workshop.

The workshop takes place on Sunday, March 8th from 11-4pm (with breaks!).

We look forward to seeing you there!

Cost: $300/per couple. Sign up by calling 718-785-9178 or email us at info@northbrooklynmft.com.

For more information about the Prepare inventory go to prepare-enrich.com.

On Empathy

em·pa·thy
ˈempəTHē/
noun
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

 

I think about the experience of empathy a lot. Feeling empathy for another person’s emotional experience is the primary skill of a counselor. Above theories or interventions, if you can sit with a client, in their sorrow, in their anxiety, or in their joy, you are healing. And if you can’t, it’s hard to imagine that the work is being done.

Empathy is sourced in the same part of the brain as self-awareness, the insula. It makes sense. If I cannot bring awareness to my own feelings, if I cannot feel them and name them, how I can do that with another person’s feelings? And it follows that as I practice self-awareness, I develop my ability to empathize, and thus my ability to connect in a deeper sense of humanity. So I think about empathy a lot.

The layman’s understanding of empathy is feeling another person’s feelings. But there is more to it than that; there has to be. In addition to feeling another person’s feelings, going into that space with them and sitting there — without judgment and without expressing our natural and loving desire to fix that person’s problems to return their feelings to neutral — there is also necessary discernment. We cannot go into another person’s space of anxiety and take on that anxiety as our own. It is not sustainable, it is not productive, and it’s not ours to take. Rather, empathy is the ability to feel someone’s sadness around a decision we have made, and be able to stick with that decision. We know it hurts them, we know it’s a hard decision, and it remains one that we must make.

I then wonder why empathy is not on everyone’s mind. Always. A greater sense of how we affect people, and how we can support them, a greater sense of our own internal landscape and reaction patterns, is a whole, additional world of information and understanding. We maintain discernment, we maintain who we are and how we choose to live our lives, while feeling connected, loving, and with heightened understanding. These are some of the gifts of mindfulness meditation — some of the gifts of sitting with someone else’s pain while resisting our need to solve it, and ultimately the gifts of intimacy with humanity. It’s a beautiful thing, it’s why I’m a therapist, and why I teach techniques for developing empathy.

For more information check out some of these resources:

Sarah
Sarah Larkin Birdsong
, MHC, considers counseling a collaborative practice in communication and connection, and she works with couples, individuals, children, and groups. Her open-minded and accepting approach to counseling helps people heal trauma, process loss, manage stress, make strong decisions and understand relationships better. Read more about Sarah.

Mindfulness Group for Stress Reduction

mindfulnessHow often do you stress about something that happened in the past, distracting you from completing a task in the present moment? How often do you stress about a potential outcome of something that has been on your mind for days? Mindfulness is the practice of maintaining awareness of our present sensations, the environment, thoughts, and feelings. Our eight-week mindfulness group will not only teach you how to create a mindfulness practice for yourself, it will dive deep into the educating you about the practical, neurological, spiritual, physiological, psychological and systemic benefits that incorporating a mindfulness practice would bring to you.

“Everything other than this present moment is just a memory or imagination.”

September 30th – November 18th (8 weeks – Wednesdays)
8:30 pm $25 a week to be paid up front $200


Marc Fernandez
provides therapy to individual, couples, and families at North Brooklyn MFT in New York City. Additionally, Marc is co-founder of a health and wellness blog called www.theHumanBluPrint.com, aimed to help people self-educate on how to be the best version of themselves. Give North Brooklyn MFT a call at (718) 785-9718 if you think learning how to “turn inward” may be something you’re interested in
. Read more about Marc

Tips for Online Dating Part 6: Follow-Up

onlinedating

This is part 6 of a six-part series on tips for online dating. Go here for the rest of the series.

Finding a match online that has the potential to result in a serious relationship can be a daunting task for many people — before you even consider the stigma sometimes still associated with online dating. Many people eschew this style of meeting people after years of navigating page after swipe after bad date after face palm. These discouraged folks are usually truly looking for a serious relationship. And, believe it or not, many of them are male.

One of the most common themes I observe in males who are looking for a serious relationship through online dating is a lack of emotional intelligence (EI). Online, just as in-vivo, a lack of EI becomes apparent through one’s insecurities and ultimately dishonesty.

In this six-part series I share — and explain!— reasonable, rational tips to help men (seeking women) succeed at online dating. Take note that many of these tips can be used for anyone—straight, LGBT, male or female. The advice here relies heavily on honesty, boundary setting, effective communication skills, and realistic expectations. Blaming “everyone else” for not being good enough in the dating world (and in other applications of life), doesn’t help change results—instead, turn inward and do a self-check up on communication style.

Follow-Up

Be honest after Date Number 1 via text.  
How did your date go? Let her know your thoughts and feelings. Most women are dying to know! Do you really want to play the waiting game? No one does. So take some time to process the first date, be confident about how you feel, and then let her know. This is what it means to become emotionally intelligent.

She may not reply, and that is ultimately her choice, not yours. Better she walk away now than hesitantly sticking it out with you for 10 years only to walk out then. Remember, focus on what you can control. Her response or response time is not something you can control. Regardless, you have a bunch more hobby pictures to go take, so don’t dwell on a lack of response!

A male friend of mine almost imploded when I told him I sent a girl a (fewer-than-100-character) text basically stating “I am not planning to pursue this in a romantic sense anymore…” While many guys think “I’ll add her to the list,” — a guy’s personal list made up of women that went on a few dates with him, possibly hooked-up and is now on “stand-by” — these people are playing the text-wait game, sexting-game, indecisive-game, reply-once-a-week-game, and not the let’s-explore-a-potentially-meaningful-relationship strategy.

Tips for Online Dating


Marc Fernandez
provides therapy to individual, couples, and families at North Brooklyn MFT in New York City. Additionally, Marc is co-founder of a health and wellness blog called www.theHumanBluPrint.com, aimed to help people self-educate on how to be the best version of themselves. Give North Brooklyn MFT a call at (718) 785-9718 if you think learning how to “turn inward” may be something you’re interested in
. Read more about Marc

Tips for Online Dating Part 5: Presentation

onlinedating

This is part 5 of a six-part series on tips for online dating. Go here for the rest of the series.

Finding a match online that has the potential to result in a serious relationship can be a daunting task for many people — before you even consider the stigma sometimes still associated with online dating. Many people eschew this style of meeting people after years of navigating page after swipe after bad date after face palm. These discouraged folks are usually truly looking for a serious relationship. And, believe it or not, many of them are male.

One of the most common themes I observe in males who are looking for a serious relationship through online dating is a lack of emotional intelligence (EI). Online, just as in-vivo, a lack of EI becomes apparent through one’s insecurities and ultimately dishonesty.

In this six-part series I share — and explain!— reasonable, rational tips to help men (seeking women) succeed at online dating. Take note that many of these tips can be used for anyone—straight, LGBT, male or female. The advice here relies heavily on honesty, boundary setting, effective communication skills, and realistic expectations. Blaming “everyone else” for not being good enough in the dating world (and in other applications of life), doesn’t help change results—instead, turn inward and do a self-check up on communication style.

Presentation

Present your strengths, not your insecurities.
If you’ve had disastrous relationships in the past and you feel hopeless about finding the one, your gut instinct may be to go all-in once you come across someone who shows great potential for a serious relationship. However, it’s then quite possible that your insecurities about finding the one could become apparent and then potentially cause the person you’re dating to run.

There’s nothing wrong with having past relationships that didn’t work out. View them as learning experiences. You may want to make a list of how you present your strengths and how you present your insecurities. The ability to learn from the demise of a past relationship can help teach you how to express appreciation and gratitude for yourself and others. These are strengths that leave insecurities in the dust and help bring out your true self. As your emotional intelligence continues to improve, the person sitting across from you may just say “yes” to that second drink and you can both begin to build your ‘nest.’

Impression vs. Connection
Think about the difference between presenting yourself to impress the other person and presenting yourself to connect with the other person. Take note of what your go-to stories or topics of conversation have been on previous dates. For example, do you find yourself spewing out past accomplishments? Do you find it easier to talk about your possessions or about topics like life plans, goals, or the life transitions you’ve overcome?

I’m not suggesting you open Pandora’s Box on Date One, but vaguely brushing on these connecting topics and deflecting the focus away from seeking validation will kickstart the trust-building whether you’re on Date Number One or Date Number Eight.

Looking for a partner with the intention of long-term relationship growth may be bound to more success if the conversations brought up are meant to connect with the person rather than impress. Tinder is a great place to “impress” your matches, considering Tinder is great for quick and easy hook-ups. If you’re reading this series, though, and used to be into the quick hookups, shine some awareness on this tip as a key transitioning tool. This may be one of the most common aspects of dating that men I’ve spoken with don’t pay attention to when they decide it’s time to look for something serious.

Be sure to also ask your date connecting questions and to practice active listening — meaning, listen to learn and understand your date, not to compete with your date. If you experience some social anxiety, you’ll start to notice how much better your conversation will flow by asking connecting questions. Of course you’re going to be talking about yourself on a date, just gauge how often you’re hearing your own voice say things you already know about yourself versus actually learning and connecting with your date.

Check back tomorrow as we continue to dive deep into tips for online dating.

Tips for Online Dating


Marc Fernandez
provides therapy to individual, couples, and families at North Brooklyn MFT in New York City. Additionally, Marc is co-founder of a health and wellness blog called www.theHumanBluPrint.com, aimed to help people self-educate on how to be the best version of themselves. Give North Brooklyn MFT a call at (718) 785-9718 if you think learning how to “turn inward” may be something you’re interested in
. Read more about Marc

Tips for Online Dating Part 4: Picking the Perfect Location

onlinedating

This is part 4 of a six-part series on tips for online dating. Go here for the rest of the series.

Finding a match online that has the potential to result in a serious relationship can be a daunting task for many people — before you even consider the stigma sometimes still associated with online dating. Many people eschew this style of meeting people after years of navigating page after swipe after bad date after face palm. These discouraged folks are usually truly looking for a serious relationship. And, believe it or not, many of them are male.

One of the most common themes I observe in males who are looking for a serious relationship through online dating is a lack of emotional intelligence (EI). Online, just as in-vivo, a lack of EI becomes apparent through one’s insecurities and ultimately dishonesty.

In this six-part series I share — and explain!— reasonable, rational tips to help men (seeking women) succeed at online dating. Take note that many of these tips can be used for anyone—straight, LGBT, male or female. The advice here relies heavily on honesty, boundary setting, effective communication skills, and realistic expectations. Blaming “everyone else” for not being good enough in the dating world (and in other applications of life), doesn’t help change results—instead, turn inward and do a self-check up on communication style.

Picking the Perfect Location

Surprises are great, but not on a first date.
A surprise location can cause tremendous anxiety for both parties, and leave the unsuspecting person in a position where they may be asked to participate in something they weren’t prepared to do. And while certain personalities would appreciate a surprise first date, play it safe. Leave the surprise for date three or four, when you are both a bit more comfortable and trusting of each other.

Keep the first date location simple but creative.
Yes, it is possible to pick a place that’s simple but also creative. You just need to put some thought into it. Remember, though, that creativity is key. It’s what she will ultimately remember when she’s looking for a second date and her thumb slides up her iPhone, past all the guys who simply took her to the same neighborhood hipster café.

Don’t go too crazy when picking a location, but do keep this in mind: Simple locations with fewer activities will obviously require more conversation to fill the time. Added pressure to keep a conversation flowing can cause anxiety and lead you to seek a distraction to break the silence. Don’t let that distraction be your cell phone. Make a plan right now to put your phone on airplane mode for the entire date. Anything can triangulate relational dynamics, especially cell phone use.

Check back this week as we continue to dive deep into tips for online dating.

Tips for Online Dating


Marc Fernandez
provides therapy to individual, couples, and families at North Brooklyn MFT in New York City. Additionally, Marc is co-founder of a health and wellness blog called www.theHumanBluPrint.com, aimed to help people self-educate on how to be the best version of themselves. Give North Brooklyn MFT a call at (718) 785-9718 if you think learning how to “turn inward” may be something you’re interested in
. Read more about Marc

Tips for Online Dating Part 3: Making Contact

onlinedating

This is part 3 of a six-part series on tips for online dating. Go here for the rest of the series.

Finding a match online that has the potential to result in a serious relationship can be a daunting task for many people — before you even consider the stigma sometimes still associated with online dating. Many people eschew this style of meeting people after years of navigating page after swipe after bad date after face palm. These discouraged folks are usually truly looking for a serious relationship. And, believe it or not, many of them are male.

One of the most common themes I observe in males who are looking for a serious relationship through online dating is a lack of emotional intelligence (EI). Online, just as in-vivo, a lack of EI becomes apparent through one’s insecurities and ultimately dishonesty.

In this six-part series I share — and explain!— reasonable, rational tips to help men (seeking women) succeed at online dating. Take note that many of these tips can be used for anyone—straight, LGBT, male or female. The advice here relies heavily on honesty, boundary setting, effective communication skills, and realistic expectations. Blaming “everyone else” for not being good enough in the dating world (and in other applications of life), doesn’t help change results—instead, turn inward and do a self-check up on communication style.

Making Contact

The first message: A single sentence or a dissertation?
How long should my first message be?,” is a question I hear often.

If you ever find yourself asking yourself this question, begin by drastically reducing the use of the word “should” from your everyday life. “Should” gets people into trouble. Who’s to say a 433.5-word message will give you the best chance for receiving a reply?

There are so many factors to consider when asking yourself that question—and the answer is simply found in the overall message of this series. Stick to being honest, not oversharing, being creative, and keeping your message positive. By focusing on these values, you are not only practicing effective communication, you are also shifting the spotlight from quantity to quality.

Check back this week as we continue to dive deep into tips for online dating.

Tips for Online Dating


Marc Fernandez
provides therapy to individual, couples, and families at North Brooklyn MFT in New York City. Additionally, Marc is co-founder of a health and wellness blog called www.theHumanBluPrint.com, aimed to help people self-educate on how to be the best version of themselves. Give North Brooklyn MFT a call at (718) 785-9718 if you think learning how to “turn inward” may be something you’re interested in
. Read more about Marc

Tips for Online Dating Part 2: Setting Boundaries

onlinedating

This is part 2 of a six-part series on tips for online dating. Go here for the rest of the series.

Finding a match online that has the potential to result in a serious relationship can be a daunting task for many people — before you even consider the stigma sometimes still associated with online dating. Many people eschew this style of meeting people after years of navigating page after swipe after bad date after face palm. These discouraged folks are usually truly looking for a serious relationship. And, believe it or not, many of them are male.

One of the most common themes I observe in males who are looking for a serious relationship through online dating is a lack of emotional intelligence (EI). Online, just as in-vivo, a lack of EI becomes apparent through one’s insecurities and ultimately dishonesty.

In this six-part series I share — and explain!— reasonable, rational tips to help men (seeking women) succeed at online dating. Take note that many of these tips can be used for anyone—straight, LGBT, male or female. The advice here relies heavily on honesty, boundary setting, effective communication skills, and realistic expectations. Blaming “everyone else” for not being good enough in the dating world (and in other applications of life), doesn’t help change results—instead, turn inward and do a self-check up on communication style.

Setting Boundaries

Limit yourself to an appropriate amount of people to “first date” at a time
Only you will know how many women you can “first date” at a time before you convince yourself you have prosopagnosia. For me, going out with two or three people at a time, without getting past a third date, is about right. If I get past a third date, however, I generally realize I need to cut it off with the other two women. But if you’re not having any issue “first dating” a multitude of women, you’re honestly probably better off.

Identify your own “dating boundaries”
Set boundaries for yourself before going on any date. The no-kissing-on-a-first-date rule from the man’s side can come off as a test of discipline and a sign of confidence. It can also come off as a sign of shyness or inexperience, depending on the woman’s expectations and past experiences. So if you are someone who always goes in for a kiss on date one, test yourself and hold off until date two or even three. If you are more shy and inexperienced, turn inward and ask yourself, what is truly the worst that could happen, and keep digging deeper using that question. You’ll most likely take your thought process in a circle or realize how ridiculous your assumptions or catastrophization sounds. But again, focus on what you can control and be happy and honest with yourself.

Check back this week as we continue to dive deep into tips for online dating.

Tips for Online Dating


Marc Fernandez
provides therapy to individual, couples, and families at North Brooklyn MFT in New York City. Additionally, Marc is co-founder of a health and wellness blog called www.theHumanBluPrint.com, aimed to help people self-educate on how to be the best version of themselves. Give North Brooklyn MFT a call at (718) 785-9718 if you think learning how to “turn inward” may be something you’re interested in
. Read more about Marc

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