4 Apr 2016

Let’s Talk About Sex

by North Brooklyn Marriage & Family Therapists | posted in: Uncategorized | 0

birds and bees — photo courtesy penelope trunk

Sex is a natural, important, and intimate component of human interaction. But let’s face it, talking about sex is hard. Whether the conversation is between a parent and child or between romantic partners, most people find it difficult to have open and honest conversations about sex and sexuality. When these conversations do happen, most of them revolve around the risks or potential consequences of sex; a series of “DOs and DONTs” and cautionary narratives about the dangers of sexually transmitted infections, pregnancy, sexual assault, the importance of consent. There is no denying that all of those aspects are extremely important when it comes to understanding sex but they are not representative of the full picture of sex.

Precautions about sex is not the whole story

Rarely do we address the pleasures of sex, individual desires, setting personal boundaries, sensuality, and self-exploration. Not talking about sex does not stop people from having it. Rather, it limits knowledge and perpetuates the misconceptions and myths about what sex should look and feel like. So, if conversations about sex are limited, where and how do people fill in these gaps?

Pornography = Sex Ed 101?

A March 2016 New York Times Article “When Did Porn Become Sex Ed?” addresses the trends and consequences when adults and teens don’t have honest conversations about what happens after consent. Author Peggy Orenstein discusses how in the absence of information, young people have turned to porn as an instruction manual for sex. As Americans we are often in pursuit to avoid uncomfortable or awkward conversations or deter people from having sex before they are emotionally capable. It is then that we turn sex into a taboo topic that is riddled with mystery, forcing young people to blindly engage and hope they figure it out as the go along. The intentions are, for the most part, in the right place: making sure people are being responsible and knowledgeable before they have sex. Yet, ironically, the avoidance and shaming has worked against those intentions, often sending young people into the world ill-prepared and unaware.

How do we talk about sex

Yes, normalizing sex is hard because being honest about such intimate things can be awkward. But the risk of feeling awkward is worth the reward of self-awareness in sex. If you find it hard to talk about sex or find yourself lost in how to have these important conversations you’re not alone. Our therapists can help you explore these feelings in a safe, comfortable, and non-judgmental environment.

By Hillary Geffner

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/20/opinion/sunday/when-did-porn-become-sex-ed.html?_r=1

21 Mar 2016

There’s no “I” in Team – Increasing Empathy and Improving Communication in a Changing Workforce

by North Brooklyn Marriage & Family Therapists | posted in: Communication Skills, couples therapy, empathy, groups, relationships, Therapy for Business Partners | 0

working together photo — Photo credit bill bach rach

According to the BusinessDictionary, the definition of group norms is an “unspoken and often unwritten set of informal rules that govern individual behaviors in a group.” As a systemic therapist, the concept of group norms setting both the tone and functionality of a group is a lesson taught early on in training programs. However, when we think of fostering healthy, empathetic and communicative group norms, we don’t often think, corporate America. However, that seems to be changing.

A more connected workplace

You may have heard of team-building workshops or open office floor plans, like the one recently adopted by Citigroup. This literal knocking down of walls promotes transparency, de-mystifies hierarchical differences and, for better or for worse, increases the need for co-worker collaboration. This last one influenced the push to observe and evaluate group norms to gain and understanding of what makes a group successful or unsuccessful.

A Study in Empathy and Communication

A recent NY Times Magazine article, (Duhigg, 2016), covered a Google-forged initiative titled Project Aristotle set out to study what makes certain work groups successful, versus those that are not. The findings were clear, successful groups had very little to do with similarities in personality, education, gender or extracurricular activities. Success had much more to do with creating an environment in which a group felt “psychologically safe” to communicate thoughts and ideas without fear of embarrassment (Edmonson, 1999). This in turn increases empathy between group members.

What this means for the future of therapy

Gone are the days of putting one’s head down, doing our work and heading home. As more and more workplaces prioritize group projects, open floor plans and increased collaboration, the need to learn more effective ways to communicate is even more pressing. Here at North Brooklyn Marriage and Family Therapy we have seen an increase in requests for therapy for business partners. As a relational therapist, my work with business partners is very similar to my work with couples, because the needs are basically the same. In any successful partnership, business or personal, individuals must share mutual respect, communicate effectively and be empathetic toward one another. Does any of this sound like it pertains to you? If you find yourself in a partnership, business or otherwise that is lacking in any of these areas, it might be time to reach out to us. We can help open up lines of communication and restore a sense of empathy and connectedness.

By Linda Nelli

Duhigg, Charles. “Work-Life.” The New York Times Magazine, February 28, 2016, 19-75.

10 Mar 2016

Love: Why Can’t I Find it!

by North Brooklyn Marriage & Family Therapists | posted in: couples therapy, finding love, individual therapy, relationships | 0

Where is Love?

Sitting at the table next to you is this couple. They seem genuinely interested in what one another has to say. They laugh a lot and almost seem to be making fun of one another at times. They seem pleased to be able to tell one another what happened during their respective days. From where you are sitting their interactions seem easy. How do I find love like that?

Why does it seem so difficult to find someone who we are attracted to who is attracted to us and like to be around? Is it really so difficult? There are some things that may be going on, some of which are too complex to make it onto this list, but here are some ideas to get you thinking about what may be going on.

Do you want a partner?

Society sends all of us the message that we are more valuable when paired up with someone else and it is just not true. Check in with yourself. Do you really want someone in your life in that full-time capacity or do you feel like it is the socially appropriate thing to do? As soon as you are a semi-functional adult all sorts of people feel free to ask about your relationship status. Maybe those questions are subconsciously pressuring you to believe that you need a partner.

You are meeting people who want something different than what you want.

Romantic relationships can take on so many different structures. I have seen married couples, who have great lives together, but choose to live in different houses. Some people love to spend lots of time together. Some couples really long for a looser, less responsible relationship. Before you conclude that there is something that is wrong with you that is keeping you from love, make sure you are coming in contact with people who want the same thing you want. One good strategy is having friends that have relationships that look like something you want.

Look for slow love.

Attraction can seem like a mystery when it’s elusive, but we do know some things about the laws of attraction. There are the things we find attractive instantly, and then there are the things that we find attractive over time. More superficial things may grab our attention, but they often don’t play out even over a couple of months. When looking for a partner who will keep your interest over time, it’s better to get to know the person a little bit before deciding if that zing is there or not. The June 2015 New York Times Article, “For Couples, Time Can Upend the Laws of Attraction” spoke of the joys of slow love. Swiping left or right may seem like an efficient way of finding love, but real attraction needs a little bit of time to assert itself.

Get some help with your search.

If you long for someone in your life and what you have been doing has yet to work, it may be time to talk with one of our therapists. We are love experts and can help you identify possible roadblocks within yourself and possible outside obstacles to finding the love you deserve. At North Brooklyn Marriage and Family Therapy, we have couples therapists that accept a range of different fees to best meet your financial needs. Call 718-785-9718 to learn more.

16 Feb 2016

Standing your ground in an argument: Is it worth it?

by North Brooklyn Marriage & Family Therapists | posted in: Communication Skills, couples therapy, fighting fair, relationships | 0

Do you know that frustrated feeling you get in an argument when you just know that you’re right but you are not being heard by your partner? Well, you’re not alone. As a systemic therapist, I see couple after couple with this exact complaint. “If he/she would just change this (insert concern here), we would be fine.” Like a debate team, partners become skilled at going head to head, point for point in defense of their argument. And, on a debate team, that’s a useful technique. But in an intimate partner debate that can end in only one result: loss, because after all, there is only one team here.

Digging our feet in the sand: Picking our roles

In couples, hurts can build up and each new slight can affect us deeply. For example, “It might be nice if you would ask me about my day instead of sulking through the door ignoring me,” meets with “Well I had a long day, too. I’m exhausted and it might be nice if you could give me some space when I get home.” But of course this is not just about the greetings this couple gives one another. It’s deeper. Neither partner is feeling heard and odds are that some accumulated pain is coloring these responses. While the dialogue here may differ, the debate has been set and inevitably, the debaters will take their stances. The most common roles? The Pursuer v. The Distancer. In these two positions, the pursuer tends to feel invisible, that no matter how much they push, they’re not being heard. While the withdrawer often retreats further and further into themselves, often feeling that no matter how they respond, it’s never enough anyway.

So, what can we do differently?

As any good debater will tell you, it feels great to finally beat our opponent. In intimate relationships, we can forget that this is not our opponent, this is our teammate. Once partners settle into the roles of pursuer or distancer, it can be difficult to break the cycle; difficult, but not impossible. This is especially true with two willing partners. Once couples decide that winning the battle is less important than protecting the relationship, there are a few simple communication techniques that can help partners to lay down their swords.

Setting a time and place:

Decide on a neutral place and time to discuss important topics. I’ve worked with a couple in the past that saved heated arguments for restaurants so that it would force them to speak respectfully to one another. If out-of-the-house discussions are not possible, just be sure to set aside a time to speak and stick to it. Treat it as importantly as you would a significant business meeting.

How to be heard:

“I Statements” – We are heard much more clearly in an argument when we can label our feelings. “I felt really hurt when you didn’t call” is a lot more effective than “You’re so unreliable I knew you would forget to call me.” It’s hard to argue when someone tells you how they feel. We don’t necessarily have to agree with our partner’s feelings, but we can’t dispute that they have them and can hopefully find ways to validate them.

Validating does not meaning having to agree – This is a good skill to practice. We may not always agree with our partner during arguments, but we can absolutely find ways of making sure our partner feels heard. For example, with the above scenario, “I felt really hurt when you didn’t call,” already puts our partner into a less defensive place. It leaves us more open to the ability to validate our partner. We have more room to respond with, “I can understand how my not calling today left you feeling hurt. That was not my intention.” It’s important to end the sentence there and avoid the ever-tempting “…but” at the end. The goal here is connection and empathy, not winning.

Knowing when our Repair Attempts are not working:

Sometimes, despite our best attempts at breaking our negative cycles and changing our communication patterns, we need a little extra help to make lasting changes. At North Brooklyn Marriage and Family Therapy we have couples therapists that accept a range of different fees in order to best meet your financial needs. Call 718-785-9718 to learn more.

Photo Credit: http://www.steamenginefinancialcoaching.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Fighting-Couple.jpg

5 Feb 2016

Bringing Home Baby Workshop for Expecting Parents

by North Brooklyn Marriage & Family Therapists | posted in: Parenting, relationships | 0

Bringing Home Baby: Workshop for Expecting Parents

Amazing workshop to help your relationship

The childbirth Ed class for your relationship, the Bringing Baby Home workshop focuses on how to emotionally prepare the couple for baby’s
arrival. Sometimes we’re so busy thinking about how to ready our bodies and our homes for a baby that we forget about preparing our relationship.

In the workshop expecting couples and new parents will gain a sense of empowerment by learning skills to:
Prepare for the transition to parenthood
Maintain relationship satisfaction after having a baby
Promote positive parent-baby interactions
Promote quality involvement for both parents
Reduce the incidence or severity of postpartum mood disorders

The workshop is on Sunday, April 24th and Sunday, May 1st from 9am-4pm with breaks.

Fee is $295 per couple. Materials included.

About the instructor:

Kristen Mosier is a certified Bringing Baby Home educator; she holds a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, has training in childbirth education and has authored multiple articles on pregnancy and parenting. A Brooklyn mom herself, she can relate to the joys and challenges of raising a little one in New York City.

To register please call 718-785-9718 or email info@northbrooklynmft.com.

5 Feb 2016

Prepare Premarital Workshop

by North Brooklyn Marriage & Family Therapists | posted in: pre-marital counseling, relationships | 0

Premarital Couples Workshop

Falling in love is the easy part; now it’s time to prepare for marriage with the help of an effective, specialized program tailored to your specific relationship needs. First you take a test that analyzes your specific strengths and growth areas as a couple, and then we follow up with a group workshop that supports and fosters a community environment. Using the results of your test, combined with the helpful feedback of a PREPARE/ENRICH professional and your community of fellow couples, you will emerge with new insight and skills to navigate the road ahead as a more united partnership!

With us, you can expect to

Strengthen communication skills
Identify and manage major stressors
Resolve conflict using the Ten Step Model
Develop a more balanced relationship
Explore family of origin issues
Discuss financial planning and budgeting

Establish personal, couple and family goals

Understand and appreciate personality differences

If you and your partner are looking forward to a life together and would like to develop and reinforce the tools you will need to keep that unity strong—please join us this March for our PREPARE/ENRICH workshop.

The workshop takes place on Sunday, March 8^th from 11-4pm (with breaks!).

We look forward to seeing you there!

Cost: $300/per couple. Sign up by calling 718-785-9178 or email us at info@northbrooklynmft.com.

For more information about the Prepare inventory go to prepare-enrich.com.

13 Oct 2015

On Empathy

by North Brooklyn Marriage & Family Therapists | posted in: couples therapy, family therapy, relationships | 0

em·pa·thy
ˈempəTHē/
noun
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

I think about the experience of empathy a lot. Feeling empathy for another person’s emotional experience is the primary skill of a counselor. Above theories or interventions, if you can sit with a client, in their sorrow, in their anxiety, or in their joy, you are healing. And if you can’t, it’s hard to imagine that the work is being done.

Empathy is sourced in the same part of the brain as self-awareness, the insula. It makes sense. If I cannot bring awareness to my own feelings, if I cannot feel them and name them, how I can do that with another person’s feelings? And it follows that as I practice self-awareness, I develop my ability to empathize, and thus my ability to connect in a deeper sense of humanity. So I think about empathy a lot.

The layman’s understanding of empathy is feeling another person’s feelings. But there is more to it than that; there has to be. In addition to feeling another person’s feelings, going into that space with them and sitting there — without judgment and without expressing our natural and loving desire to fix that person’s problems to return their feelings to neutral — there is also necessary discernment. We cannot go into another person’s space of anxiety and take on that anxiety as our own. It is not sustainable, it is not productive, and it’s not ours to take. Rather, empathy is the ability to feel someone’s sadness around a decision we have made, and be able to stick with that decision. We know it hurts them, we know it’s a hard decision, and it remains one that we must make.

I then wonder why empathy is not on everyone’s mind. Always. A greater sense of how we affect people, and how we can support them, a greater sense of our own internal landscape and reaction patterns, is a whole, additional world of information and understanding. We maintain discernment, we maintain who we are and how we choose to live our lives, while feeling connected, loving, and with heightened understanding. These are some of the gifts of mindfulness meditation — some of the gifts of sitting with someone else’s pain while resisting our need to solve it, and ultimately the gifts of intimacy with humanity. It’s a beautiful thing, it’s why I’m a therapist, and why I teach techniques for developing empathy.

For more information check out some of these resources:

Sarah Larkin Birdsong, MHC, considers counseling a collaborative practice in communication and connection, and she works with couples, individuals, children, and groups. Her open-minded and accepting approach to counseling helps people heal trauma, process loss, manage stress, make strong decisions and understand relationships better. Read more about Sarah.

28 Sep 2015

Mindfulness Group for Stress Reduction

by North Brooklyn Marriage & Family Therapists | posted in: Uncategorized | 0

How often do you stress about something that happened in the past, distracting you from completing a task in the present moment? How often do you stress about a potential outcome of something that has been on your mind for days? Mindfulness is the practice of maintaining awareness of our present sensations, the environment, thoughts, and feelings. Our eight-week mindfulness group will not only teach you how to create a mindfulness practice for yourself, it will dive deep into the educating you about the practical, neurological, spiritual, physiological, psychological and systemic benefits that incorporating a mindfulness practice would bring to you.

“Everything other than this present moment is just a memory or imagination.”

September 30th – November 18th (8 weeks – Wednesdays)
8:30 pm $25 a week to be paid up front $200

Marc Fernandez provides therapy to individual, couples, and families at North Brooklyn MFT in New York City. Additionally, Marc is co-founder of a health and wellness blog called www.theHumanBluPrint.com, aimed to help people self-educate on how to be the best version of themselves. Give North Brooklyn MFT a call at (718) 785-9718 if you think learning how to “turn inward” may be something you’re interested in. Read more about Marc.

15 Aug 2015

Tips for Online Dating Part 6: Follow-Up

by North Brooklyn Marriage & Family Therapists | posted in: relationships | 0

This is part 6 of a six-part series on tips for online dating. Go here for the rest of the series.

Finding a match online that has the potential to result in a serious relationship can be a daunting task for many people — before you even consider the stigma sometimes still associated with online dating. Many people eschew this style of meeting people after years of navigating page after swipe after bad date after face palm. These discouraged folks are usually truly looking for a serious relationship. And, believe it or not, many of them are male.

One of the most common themes I observe in males who are looking for a serious relationship through online dating is a lack of emotional intelligence (EI). Online, just as in-vivo, a lack of EI becomes apparent through one’s insecurities and ultimately dishonesty.

In this six-part series I share — and explain!— reasonable, rational tips to help men (seeking women) succeed at online dating. Take note that many of these tips can be used for anyone—straight, LGBT, male or female. The advice here relies heavily on honesty, boundary setting, effective communication skills, and realistic expectations. Blaming “everyone else” for not being good enough in the dating world (and in other applications of life), doesn’t help change results—instead, turn inward and do a self-check up on communication style.

Follow-Up

Be honest after Date Number 1 via text.
How did your date go? Let her know your thoughts and feelings. Most women are dying to know! Do you really want to play the waiting game? No one does. So take some time to process the first date, be confident about how you feel, and then let her know. This is what it means to become emotionally intelligent.

She may not reply, and that is ultimately her choice, not yours. Better she walk away now than hesitantly sticking it out with you for 10 years only to walk out then. Remember, focus on what you can control. Her response or response time is not something you can control. Regardless, you have a bunch more hobby pictures to go take, so don’t dwell on a lack of response!

A male friend of mine almost imploded when I told him I sent a girl a (fewer-than-100-character) text basically stating “I am not planning to pursue this in a romantic sense anymore…” While many guys think “I’ll add her to the list,” — a guy’s personal list made up of women that went on a few dates with him, possibly hooked-up and is now on “stand-by” — these people are playing the text-wait game, sexting-game, indecisive-game, reply-once-a-week-game, and not the let’s-explore-a-potentially-meaningful-relationship strategy.

Tips for Online Dating

14 Aug 2015

Tips for Online Dating Part 5: Presentation

by North Brooklyn Marriage & Family Therapists | posted in: relationships | 0

This is part 5 of a six-part series on tips for online dating. Go here for the rest of the series.

Presentation

Present your strengths, not your insecurities.
If you’ve had disastrous relationships in the past and you feel hopeless about finding the one, your gut instinct may be to go all-in once you come across someone who shows great potential for a serious relationship. However, it’s then quite possible that your insecurities about finding the one could become apparent and then potentially cause the person you’re dating to run.

There’s nothing wrong with having past relationships that didn’t work out. View them as learning experiences. You may want to make a list of how you present your strengths and how you present your insecurities. The ability to learn from the demise of a past relationship can help teach you how to express appreciation and gratitude for yourself and others. These are strengths that leave insecurities in the dust and help bring out your true self. As your emotional intelligence continues to improve, the person sitting across from you may just say “yes” to that second drink and you can both begin to build your ‘nest.’

Impression vs. Connection
Think about the difference between presenting yourself to impress the other person and presenting yourself to connect with the other person. Take note of what your go-to stories or topics of conversation have been on previous dates. For example, do you find yourself spewing out past accomplishments? Do you find it easier to talk about your possessions or about topics like life plans, goals, or the life transitions you’ve overcome?

I’m not suggesting you open Pandora’s Box on Date One, but vaguely brushing on these connecting topics and deflecting the focus away from seeking validation will kickstart the trust-building whether you’re on Date Number One or Date Number Eight.

Looking for a partner with the intention of long-term relationship growth may be bound to more success if the conversations brought up are meant to connect with the person rather than impress. Tinder is a great place to “impress” your matches, considering Tinder is great for quick and easy hook-ups. If you’re reading this series, though, and used to be into the quick hookups, shine some awareness on this tip as a key transitioning tool. This may be one of the most common aspects of dating that men I’ve spoken with don’t pay attention to when they decide it’s time to look for something serious.

Be sure to also ask your date connecting questions and to practice active listening — meaning, listen to learn and understand your date, not to compete with your date. If you experience some social anxiety, you’ll start to notice how much better your conversation will flow by asking connecting questions. Of course you’re going to be talking about yourself on a date, just gauge how often you’re hearing your own voice say things you already know about yourself versus actually learning and connecting with your date.

Check back tomorrow as we continue to dive deep into tips for online dating.